THE DREADED QUESTION

When you have been married for years with no children.

When are you guys going to have some babies?
“You have been married for a while now – it’s about time you guys start a family.”

“You don’t look like the type to want to “mess up” your body by having a baby.”
Yes, for real! A colleague said this to me!

Oh, how I cringe at the memory of getting these questions and comments before my husband and I had our girls.
My response and reaction varied depending on who was asking.
These questions and comments made me more emotional as the years went by.

Response during the first years of marriage

My husband and I got married a few months after I graduated from undergrad and he was in the middle of grad school.
Starting a family as poor college students were not in our plans.

We wanted to finish school, start our careers and build a secure future where we could provide for ourselves and future children.
And frankly, we wanted time with just us before…

Our general response was, “we are not ready”. And depending on who was asking we would or would not elaborate more.

Response a few years into our marriage

Responding to these questions during the first years was easy. However, after hearing them for several years, I was over it!
I should have made t-shirts that said, “don’t ask me when I’m going to have kids” or “It’s none of your business”.
However, I would joke and say some variation of “are you going to come and help us take care of them?”

We were sticking to our plan of building a secure foundation before bringing kids into the equation.
We moved several times in pursuit of building the life we wanted, and we did not have any family living close to us.

As the years went by and we started talking more about starting a family, my main concern was having a support system to help us.
We both worked full time with very demanding schedules.

Response after we started trying and trying and trying…

When we got to our thirties, we started having the itch, baby fever…I was completing my master’s degree and my husband was in law school. I was honestly feeling the pressure of “time” as the baby incubator. We started to try and knew it could take time, but months went by and nothing –  and I was spending way too much money on pregnancy tests.

This was now about five-six years into our marriage, and the questions kept coming. I was asked outright, “what are you waiting for?” by a family member.

My response. We’re trying, and when God decides to bless us. I started to question myself and wondered if everything was fine and if I made the right decision to wait. I was healthy as I had gotten checkups from my primary doctor and OB-GYN prior to us trying.

Worked on what we could control – While We Waited for a Baby

We worked on the things we could control to prepare.
We bought our first house, upgraded our cars and I completed my master’s degree.

Soon after completing my master’s degree I received an awesome career opportunity and immersed myself in my job.

I became more conscious of my overall health. Reduced my sugar intake, making healthier eating choices and my husband and I started bike riding.

Fertility Doctor Consult
Is there a reason we are not getting pregnant?

Around a year of trying without me getting knocked-up, we went to see a fertility doctor.
This was an experience and journey within itself to be shared another time. I was told I had complications. I was devastated!

It was very hurtful and difficult to address questions about “when I am going to have a baby” even more so
after I was told, “I couldn’t without help”.

Life is not a jingle or template. Yes, we grew up saying the rhyme, “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in a baby carriage…But this is not everyone’s reality.

Each person or couples’ journey to have children is different.

• Some people get a baby as a surprise present they were not expecting. I was one of those presents for my mother.
• Some couples start trying on their honeymoon and get pregnant right away. This was our friends.
• Some women decide they can’t wait on Mr. Right, so they decide to have a child on their own. One of my very dear friends chose this path.
• And some couples decide to not have children, and some women and couples cannot have children.

Be Sensitive and Careful Asking Such Questions

You don’t know a person’s story or struggle, so please be sensitive and careful before you voice what your brain is thinking.
It’s natural to want to know when children will come into the mix of friends and family you know and love, especially when you see a beautiful, happy and successful person or couple.

Trust me, I know and have wondered too and have asked some of these questions as well. And I am sorry.
I did not understand the hurt and pain these inquiring questions could cause until I experienced them first hand and see my friends and family members living the same struggle.

Be Kind and Quiet

Unless that door was opened to you, and you were invited into that space,
please be kind and be quiet.
Keep them in your head.

Asking someone about the status of them starting a family is a very personal question.
Whether the person is single, “of age”, just married or married for several years – questions or statements about them starting their family can be painful.

And the questions continue even after one or two children!
When are you having the next one’ when are you having the boy”
…Please be respectful and kind. Don’t Ask Me When I’m Going to Have Kids.

Whether I am of “mature” age, newly married, married for several years or have one or a few kids – Don’t Ask Me When I’m going to have kids.  That Question is Personal.

To Parents-To-Be and Mothers-To-Be

You are not obligated to explain your Personal Life and Business to anyone!
Answer how you feel fit or choose to not answer at all.

I have completely ignored the questions and continued speaking to the individual asking without acknowledging their question.
As they say, it is better to be quiet if you have nothing good to say.

And if I had answered some of the individuals asking me about when I’m going to get knocked-up;
my answers would have probably knocked them out.

Can you tell I’m a tad bit sensitive about this subject…

Are you getting this question? How did you handle or respond to these questions?

I look forward to hearing about your experience.